my ramblings have the ability to take me to a place i haven’t been in a while — a place where i allow myself to write without truly thinking — to combine thoughts from my present, past and future mind. and that place has found its way back home to me. whether that’s a good thing or not, i’ve yet to conclude.
Some days, I can’t imagine a more peaceful moment than a stack of cozy, soft kittens with outstretched paws chasing reflections upon backlit walls. Other days, I can’t imagine a single peaceful moment, because I am nowhere near the proverbial prize. Instead, my eyes, ears, heart, limbs and the whole of my insides are knotted in such a way where happiness seems so far away from reality that my brain aches from side to side. I descend into despair with each familiar sound, breath and vision. I long for things I cannot have, people I cannot reach, lives I cannot touch, thoughts I cannot control. I am stuck in what the lot of humans call “a rock and a hard place.” It is nowhere I aim to be but everywhere I am safe. To refrain from understanding this position I’m in would be a gross misrepresentation of the normalcy I try to create. And that unbearable truth is beyond most of what even I can comprehend. So for now, I’m learning to convince myself that none of this ever happened. It’s perhaps the only way I know how to live a life with happiness, not without. Is it brain power? Willpower? Or just a plain ol’ willingness to accept whatever lands on my doorstep? Whatever it is, I’m confident it’s there. With this acceptance, I would be astonished if our lives don’t somehow intersect, if our lips don’t one day meet, and our eyes don’t find the perfect moment to be buried in a deep ocean of desire. This I believe is true. This is what I tell myself every day upon waking. Regardless of the outcome of my beliefs, the root exists. And who can argue the beginnings of something just begging to be harvested?